Just another one of those days..

Without doubt i can tell you that this has not at all been my week!! stressed and nervous i went home from work yesterday, had a extremely bad mood - managed to take it out on my partner, eventhough i told you i was going to behave, i guess reality is not always what you want it to be.. so i tried to go to sleep at a civilized time, couldnt sleep! eventually slept at around 3.30 in the morning - mind you that i was sleeping on the couch last nigth, my partner gets up at 5.45 so you can imagine just how i feel, didnt have time to have my coffee till now, smoked god knows how many cigarets, did my lunch in front of my notebook... but this is not the thing that makes me think to myself - "why did i leave my bed..?", the problem is that when you enter work, and within the first 5 - 10 min you have a fight with your partners (here i mean the group of people i work with and dont share bed with!!) and a lot of bad words are being used - the reason for our mood and this amount of nerves is that we are working on this investment as i already mentioned, and just sometimes it feels like we are walking around in circles, and nothing is coming out of it, and it is frustrating as hell, the energy and the time that we / i have spend on this project is really alot..so for us not to get anything out of it - will be a nightmare!!

i guess my problem is that i am extremely pessimistic when it comes to trust people while doing business, i have had enough bad experience with people promising me everything - and actually nothing comes out of it..so i seem my role in the whole investment process as being the watchdog - the cynical one, the one challeging the investor to make sure he is not wasting our time.. however it is difficult to find a perfect balance, between believing and disbelieving, and through this motivate or demotivate my partners...and this i think is the problem, they see me as suppose to be a motivator, a believer - to believe that everything will be fine, super duper... but i rather look at the real picture and calculate my chances of success and prepare for failure and success...i am not the type of person that starts to spend money before they are in the bank..and even then i have my concerns..so guess what i am trying to say is, that it is okay to be a dreamer and an optimist, but the fall you take when things dont go your way are alot harder than when you are a realist..the join of having the project go through is for me equally exciting, because i really want to believe - but i simply lost my ability or capability to be a super-optmist..(dont feel sorry for me - i dont see it as a strong disadvantage!!!)

so what now, having had the figth with my partners, well the air is a bit thick right now, and i know that it is not over just yet, there is more to come, because i guess this is how we do it - how we clear the air, by shouting, telling bad words about each other, for them to re-focus and solve the problems that we should have solved at in the very beginning, it reminds me of two monkeys figthing, banging on their chest etc... stupidity!!!

So as to motivate myself a bit today - as Johan Carlson old CEO of SAS (the airline company in scandinavia!!) "what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger.." - okay what a complete asshole to say something like this, because i can tell you that this is not really the feeling that i have right now - that this fight makes me stronger...i am having the feeling that i just wasted 1 hour of my life on something this destructive...so Johan Carlson - thanks but, no thanks!!!

so to answer my own question, why did i leave my bed today - well to make sure that i am looking even more forward to getting into it tonight..

till our next time goodnight..