Making it all work...

So after sleeping very little last nigth due to various reasons, i have been trying to keep myself going on this grey and cold tuesday, okay the help of loads of coffee - and extraordinary work loads has help me as well.. rigth now i am a bit stressed, i have to admit it, i think that it is the first time in my career that i am stressed, i will tell you why! if any of you are working in the IT business, for a start-up, will know that it is an eternal struggle for money - we are no better or worse in this case, however we are better in terms of our profile, because we have a patent on a software that is not out on the market yet.. a software that for sure will change alot of business and make a lot of people very rich, potentially myself and my partners as well.. the point that makes me stressed is that we are lacking the financial support from investors (in our terms risk capital partners - makes it sound alot nicer i think..) we had some potential investors, and got burned, we are currently working with one right now that migth turn out to be something - but on the other side migth as wel turn out to be a hoax (chance are 50 / 50), the point that makes me stressed is the waiting - a clear yes / no, if for me much more appriciated than - "we will think about it.." so right now we are waiting and waiting...and everybody at work are trying to make the best of the situation - but you see that it is starting to very difficult...!

okay so today was one of those days where my i had to present some plans about how we can re-structure the company to make it all work, and in itself the presentation went really well, we have a clear idea what the company should look like, how and what we will be working on, when etc..however what we found with our conversation was that we have been looking totally in the wrong way, we have been focusing on the wrong markets, people, companies, and basically an internal audit of our company would have shown that everything that could be wrong - was wrong... wow that is pretty nice to sit with that feeling, knowing that everything in your company is wrong.. well come to think about it - it is actually, i believe that it is the best thing that has happened to the company so far, now we know what was wrong and we know how to change it, and we are changing it - just imagine an investor would invest in our company while everything would be wrong, our chance of getting anything our of the market would have been gone forever..but now we know and we have time to fix the problems - we have a strict policy in our company to get to it once our plans are ready - yes we plan alot, we talk alot, and we smoke alot... but the eventual outcome is that our plans are so clear that you dont have to be an expert to do the work, it is all defined how and what to do, when to do it and why to do it! okay it sounds like we are the best company in the world, this is not my point at all, my point is that the strength of a company is its ability to plan for the future, adjust to the situation here and now, and move towards its goals, basically flexibility and creativity combined with some strong strategic thinking people.. which luckily all of our partners are (unluckily that means our meetings always takes forever to finish...).. a company that is not flexible will have difficulties adjusting to the market demands, look at IBM over the last 10 years, where they where loosing market shares to HP and Dell, only for them to finally sell of there PC side, to focus on consulting..but look at the time they spend on this, IBM is a giant of a company - on where time to react can be measured in ligthyears...however my point is that all companies will have to sooner or later re-think their identity - like people to find out who they are, where they are and what they want to become.. if not we stagnate and slowly we run out of fashion.. this is the strength of dynamic companies...

okay so what is my point really "making it all work.." well actually i was thinking about how much i have messed up my own life in the strive to get what i wanted / want, and how much i have sacrificed to reach the point that i have - and the question is always "has it been worth it..", "is it worth it.." well to tell you the truth - i wish i could be a better person, i wish that i didnt have such a bad relationship with my own family, i wish that i had a better relationship with my friends and i wish that i was a better boyfriend.. but to tell you the truth i am not! i am none of the above, and i will never be...okay it doesnt mean that i am a shit person, it just means that i have different priorities, family is not important for me relationship with friends, well since i spend as much time at work as i do, there is really no need for that as well, being a better boyfriend...okay that is an issue!!! see 90% of all my relationship problems now and also in the past springs from two things, lack of tolerance toward understanding my partner (in general communicating with the female gender is not my strongest side - i am fully aware of this!), and overload from work...the constant pressure concerning money, responsibility, tasks, deadlines, meetings, presentations, strategies etc.. it is hard sometimes, and very hard indeed..and i am sure that my current partner is not at all happy about the situation, but she has been given the choice to be with me - and accept my chaotic life as it is now, or find a 9 - 17 guy! by the end of the day i cant change something unless i want to - and what i am right now is not something i want to change.. and i guess i would die from boredom if i had a 9 - 17.00 job...christ all mighty, i never had that, and i am not about to change.. so accept me for who i am or leave me alone! (am i being arrongant right now - well i dont think so, but what is the purpose of me trying to make you like me for someone i am not, and never going to be? i think it is a complete waste of your time and for me more important my own time..so i will respect and like you for who you are - so you do the same - i think it is fair..)

so all in all what i am trying to tell you is that you need to be willing to pay the price for what you want if you are looking for a career.. and if you are not able / willing to pay the price - get a 9 - 17 job and leave the management to someone who is able / willing to pay the price.. because all this conversation about work-life balance doesnt exist it is a myth, either you can go the whole 9 yards or non at all - there is no inbetween, and honestly speaking who wants to be second best... i for sure dont.. having said that would i if i could change anything in my life..well i have a couple of situations that i would have liked to have changed, however this would without doubt have cause the "butterfly effect" - and i would not been in my current situation, so no there is nothing i would change...okay it doesnt mean that i am equally proud of my entire life (we all have skelets in the closet..even i have them!), but seriously what is the purpose of thinking about what if..we will never change it - accept where you are / or change it, but it require, the present moment and future moments......

last question how much am i willing to sacrifice? well to answer it this way - the one that can sacrifice everything has nothing to loose and everything to win...does that answer your questions?.. think about it!

till our next time - it is cold on the top and very lonely, so make sure you have some warm cloth and a radio... to your career....